Recipes for Living Brad and Amy Lampe

Note from Editor: I was grateful that Amy and Brad set aside a time to do their story. They fit perfectly in a book of Recipes for Living. Through the years, as I have done stories of young people and ask if they have had a teacher who influenced them or whom they particularly remember, Brad Lampe is always mentioned. I have had personal experience of depending upon Amy's sharpness and integrity in monetary dealings. Together, their zest for life, fidelity in marriage, involvement with their children, enjoyment in their choice of careers, are apparent. What are the "ingredients" that produce this kind of family?

Brad began by giving the "Readers Digest" version of his life: "I was originally from Geneseo, Illinois, the oldest in a family of five - I have two brothers and two sisters. My youngest brother and sister were both adopted through the Catholic adoption system that was prevalent at that time. It was not like it is now. Abortion was not an option. Adoption was the most acceptable alternative to having an unplanned child, and adoption was a much simpler process.

"Our dad was a pattern maker, making wooden patterns of what would be made into metal. He worked from a blueprint and made refrigerator parts, one time a camshaft - all these kinds of things - then metal molds would be made from his work. This is all done by computer now, and Dad is retired. Mom was at home while we were young, but about the time I was in eighth grade, she went back to work as a legal secretary for an attorney in Geneseo. Being the oldest, I stayed home and watched the kids. I suppose that helped me learn a bit about disciplining. Amy is at the other end of the spectrum. She was the youngest of 10 children."

Amy tells: "I grew up in Avoca, Iowa, which was right next to Shelby, where Brad was teaching. There were five girls and five boys in the family. My oldest sister is 14 years older than I, so there were 10 kids within 14 years. We lived on a farm until I was in junior high, when our parents moved into town. After high school graduation, I went to Rockhurst, which was a small Catholic College in Kansas City. I found my career by the process of elimination. I was going to be a doctor, had one biology class and that was enough. I began trying other things, but the college I was attending was known for its business curriculum, so that is where I ended. Brad and I dated while I was in college, were married at Christmas time, 1986, and moved here six or eight months later."

Brad continues: "After high school, I went to Augustana College in Rock Island, Illinois. In my freshman and sophomore years, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I needed a push. I did well with music in high school - vocal as well as instrumental - acting, and speech. I had to choose one of those avenues. My decision to become a music teacher was probably influenced by a professor who was teaching me clarinet at the time. He told me I had a talent to do that. I play all the instruments except string instruments, of which I play only guitar. I took piano lessons but am only mediocre on the piano.

"I taught first at Shelby-Tennant High School, and was there for two years. It was there I met Amy. I taught at Lansing, Kansas for a year, but decided I didn't like teaching in Kansas. By that time Amy had completed her college education and was working in Kansas City. I was ready to make a career move, Amy didn't like her job, so after we were married, we both decided to look for other jobs. I was hired by Clarke Community and we moved to Osceola in 1987. Now we have three boys: Jake (14), Joe (12), and Mitch (9).

"In regard to our parenting, I think it is an advantage that we have the same spiritual upbringing in that we are both Catholic. Our family values and morals are very similar. I don't know if that comes directly from our church relationship, but I think it helps if both parents have the same basic value system, i.e., the same background in what we were brought up to believe, whether it is from the church or otherwise. It is not necessarily Catholic. Dad was Lutheran and became a Catholic when he married Mom. He'd be the first to say he didn't see that much difference. What differences there was, weren't that important to him."

Amy commented about how she and Brad's parenting approach differed according to what they had learned from their parents, "Brad's parents were younger than mine. He was a first-born and I was last. By the time I was in high school, my parents were older than most and didn't get too revved up about much that I did. They'd seen it all before. Brad's parents were the other way and that has affected how we respond to our children. We reflect our parents' reactions, and so Brad and I balance each other. Balance has been a key ingredient in our home."

(A question to Brad, "Have you always taught in high school?") "There was a time when I taught younger and older kids, grades five through twelve, and I still do some of that. I do some team teaching with Miss Averweg, who is the junior high director. I still work with all the grades, but it has mostly been high school. I seem to be able to relate to them well and get along with them. I think part of the reason is that I treat them like they are my kids. If they are doing something wrong, I talk to them like I'm their dad. I don't try to intimidate or "knock them down." If I do, it is in a way that they still know I care about them. They can feel that basically I am just trying to parent them through music.

"My teaching job is a little different from most teachers. On game nights, when they are taking this or that responsibility, the band is usually playing. My work takes from August through May, and the 4th of July parade. I am involved lots of weekends during the year, and lots of Saturdays, with concerts, festivals, and contests. It is great that there are lots of kids involved, last year I had 120 kids ninth through twelfth, and 85 in seventh and eighth grades. Marching band involves everybody at the beginning of the school year. I work with two different concert bands at the high school, and a junior high band. There are two different jazz bands, plus a pep band, and honor bands. Solo and ensemble are the individual and small group events the kids do, and each kid has an individual lesson, so there is something going on all the time.

"We use music as a vehicle to teach kids to be an adult. That's all we are doing. The music is great; it is a great experience for them. I hope they grow in appreciation of music, but the music is just a vehicle to help them enjoy life as they try to move from childhood to adulthood, and try to figure out what life is all about. You've got to teach kids to be adults. There are things they have to learn, but whether or not they learn exactly everything about music is not my job. My job is to see that after they get out of high school maybe they have learned some responsibility, and they've learned that music is an aesthetic, appreciative thing they need to have as a human being - not that a quarter note is one count."

(Amy adds :) "Treating them like your own kids means having rules, deadlines, restrictions, and responsibilities to be on time - our kids hate that one. We want to know where they are. I guess in our case, we hold a pretty tight rein, probably tighter than the majority, but we feel like this is right, and you have to do what you feel is right. We are hoping to have our kids experience life with activities that are appropriate to their age. That's a toughie. We also try very hard to realize that each of our children is different and needs to be treated differently. We don't try to compare, but to push them to do the best they can, being who they are. It is an individual thing."

(Amy rebuts and the following is a combination of thoughts from both Brad and Amy) "I wish we were at a place where everyone would be rewarded for efforts regardless of gender or race. To be singled out as a woman who has done well is not as important to me as being a person who has done a good job. We both work hard at what we do because we are conscientious and want to do our jobs well, but if there is a choice to be made between our marriage and family, versus our job, our marriage and family come first. There have been many times we could taken other jobs or gone other places that would have moved us up the ladder, but we both feel it works best for us to have careers in which we are successful, yet not so successful that it takes away time from our kids or each other.

"That seems to be part of the marriage recipe, too, to keep the career in perspective. Work hard at what you do, but don't let it get so big that the home becomes small. That seems healthy. We think about it a lot, because we are both goal oriented. We think about options and then stop ourselves to consider, 'How is this going to affect the rest of the plans?' We are always stepping back to say, 'How is this going to help us or hurt us?' We are very 50/50. We talk about everything and discuss it to the point of compromise if we can. There are too many couples who don't base their marriage on friendship. We are able to express our differences of opinion because we are friends and respect each other. What sometimes gets us in trouble is when we both feel the need to be in charge of the situation. We are both bosses at work, but when we come home, we can't both be the boss so we have to step back a bit.

"It is really sad if the kids see us arguing. Our youngest will say, 'Are you going to get a divorce?' 'No, we are not going to get a divorce. We are having a discussion,' but that is what they see happening with their friends. So we try to be careful and have our discussions at appropriate times. On the other hand, if the kids never see us argue, that isn't realistic. A little exposure is probably good. If they have never seen Mom and Dad argue, when they get married and disagree, they might think they need to get a divorce. That's not right, either. Moderation and compromise - those are big words that don't get used much any more. We have left wing, and we have right wing, taking issue with one another at all levels."

("What keeps you in Osceola?") "First of all, geography. For us, it is halfway between our families. We can hop on Interstate 80, go east or west - to Amy's family in the Omaha area, or Brad's in the Quad Cities area - and be with either of our families within three hours. That's important. Next, I would say, families with similar values. Our kids hang around with friends whose background values are the same as ours. We love for them to have friends come over to play. Then we know what they are doing and who their friends are. And it is hard for two people to find jobs like we have - being five minutes from our places of work, and both having successful jobs."

("Did you have a family plan when you married?") "After we moved to Osceola, we were involved in our jobs and buying a house before we thought about starting a family. We were here about two years when Jake was born, in 1989. He is the oldest, most responsible, socially at ease, and common sense oriented. By nature, he can figure things out, mechanically and otherwise. He's a very personable kid. He's been in all the Children's Theaters since he was four years old. Now in junior high, he is playing trumpet, piano, and is in all the sports. When he goes into high school this fall, he will get into drama and speech. Something he has achieved and is excited about is that he is now taller than his mom. Both of our families are vertically challenged.

"Joe plays trombone and piano, both extremely well. He is a very talented kid in sports, music, and intellectually. He's a smart kid. He loves challenges, loves to learn, and soaks up everything. It is neat to watch him grow because he has such a hunger for knowledge and improvement. At the same time, he is a perfectionist and gets frustrated when it doesn't come easily. That means there are lots of times when his emotions are a roller coaster. He wants all of this so badly, and when it doesn't come, he works himself into lather. He will have to learn to use that competitiveness for the right things and not get himself all worked up. He is more quiet than the others -not necessarily introverted, but more of a loner. He doesn't find it necessary to be out with the kids like Jake does: If he is involved in something, the rest of the world might go by and he wouldn't notice. He does his own thing.

"And then there is Mitch. He is fun! He has a great sense of humor and makes us laugh all the time. He's an intelligent kid, but you'd never know it. He brings papers home from school but it doesn't seem to be important to him to have anybody see them. He loves life and you can just tell it. When he's not at home, we can feel it - like if he stays overnight with a friend, we can feel the difference. He has such a neat outlook on things. We were watching fireworks on the 4th of July. They have these neat ones that go up and shoot off in different directions. Mitch's comment was, 'They look like angry ants.” We look at him and think, 'Where does he come up with these things?' He just has a neat way of looking at stuff. He's a good thinker, and he's always thinking. Mitch is definitely the talker of the three. He is learning to control that in school."

Brad commented, "It is so much fun to watch them grow, but one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is seeing your own faults in your kids. That is so hard! The perfectionist thing with Joe, that's my fault and it is hard to watch. I look at each one and think, 'I used to be that way!' But there are also some of our good traits, like Jake's sociability."

Amy added, "My Dad used to say if you have two kids, that is one for you and one for me, when you have the third one that makes a family, because you no longer have control. They outnumber you. My parents went a little overboard with his definition of a family. There is one thing for sure; having children helps you gain a new appreciation for your parents.

"We believe that it is important to contribute to the community, and for our children to see us doing that. People have to make a choice of where they want to spend their time, and we leaned toward service clubs. Brad was in Optimists' Club for awhile but with kids and their schedules, it didn't work well to attend a 6:45 a.m. meeting. Maybe later. I find Rotary works well for me because it is during the day. There are now about five women in the organization, which used to be a men's club: When the Rotarians did the band stand I was the Community Service chair person and Rotary was looking for a visible project. They had not done anything of that nature for a few years prior to that. It tied in with what Main Street was also doing at the time-getting the store fronts refurbished. The band stand was the project chosen by the club. Madeline Adams, who was then executive secretary for the Clarke County Development Corporation, and I worked on the design with the contractor and fund raising. We also ended up painting it, trying to finish before the 4th of July. I served a six year term on the hospital board, and Brad was on the Parks and Recreation Board for six years, during which time they built the Aquatic Center. That was a good project. I firmly believe that to have new ideas, there needs to be a constant turnover, so that there is new blood.

A lot of things are changing in our lives just now with the kids growing so fast. We prefer to stay close to the ideas of simplicity and moderation. We try to remember our priorities and make choices accordingly. We hope our kids have picked up on that idea and will do the same. While this is the end of our story for now, we wonder what's next."